Pancakes

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An extremely close friend called me today to tell me some awesome news. He told me he’s getting married! He’ll be in Vegas in May to be ordained by Elvis.

It was a very needed conversation with one of my closest pals.

I LOVE the idea of love. I love the idea of marriage. But I hate pancakes. You’re confused, let me explain.

Every time I tell someone that I don’t like pancakes, I get the most ridiculous looks. Like, I just killed a man.

Pancakes aren’t for everyone. One of the worlds favorite foods, but there are still people who don’t like them. There’s a quote that I often see, I’m sure you’ve seen it, “you could be the ripest peach in the world, but there will still be someone that hates peaches.”

If you haven’t caught my drift yet, I’m referring to marriage.

I have a child now. I wouldn’t change a thing about my past, but I’m not sure I will ever be comfortable with having another child. I have dated since the end of my relationship with Fallyns’ mother, the awkwardness of a stranger being around while you are baby talking your child has yet to go away.

I have dated some of the least judgemental women I have ever met, but there’s an internal wall up that is not coming down anytime soon.

I’m not sure if I’m against marriage as much as I am having another child. Its not that I don’t like children, it’s not that I’m afraid of separation again, I would love a daughter. I just couldn’t even imagine having multiple children…with multiple women.

The connection we have shared, the experiences we’ve had together, that’s special. That’s something that an outsider will never be able to understand. I’m not sure if I could share that with someone else, and more importantly, I’m not sure I could do that to Fallyn.

Look, I’m certain Fallyn will have a brother or sister on his mothers end, and I’m fine with that. Now, imagine if I had another family.

Where does that leave Fallyn? That leaves the product of a broken family bouncing back and forth between two complete families.

Every time I think about this, it literally brings tears to my eyes. I know he would be filled with jealousy, sadness, and confusion.

While writing this post, I have realized it’s not marriage that I’m against. I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing, and see something totally different.

I want to be able to be here for him, I want him to know that he is the one and only. It might seem silly to some of you, but that’s my dude. I’m his rock.

Frankie Napolitano

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The peak

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I touched base a little bit in my last post on how in the last year I truly began to find myself. Although that is correct, I continue to struggle with it every single day. To question ones existence is only human.

I often wonder about my past and if I regret anything. I’m currently stressing about my present, what I’m doing, why I’m doing it. What I’m not worried about (strangely enough) is the future.

Life with you is beautiful. I know that with you by my side, we are capable of anything.

I think about my father and I, all the things that he taught me without even realizing he was teaching me anything. It’s the silly things: being nice to strangers, being actively involved in my life whether it was cub scouts, or baseball, or helping me with my handwriting (which is still terrible, dad), sleeping in forts in the house out of pillows and blankets, and I can’t wait to those things with you.

I hear all the time, “cherish the baby stage because they grow up so fast.” But dammit, I want you to sit in the front seat already. I want to teach you what good music is, I want to scream it in the car with you, I want to teach you how to play baseball. I want to teach you so much, because you’ve taught me so much already.

I realize that I’m all over the place on this one. What I’m getting at is, we have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future. All we can do is use the information at hand to make the best possible decisions.

Live easy.

Frankie Napolitano

‘Cause after all, you do know best

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If there is only one thing that you take from me in your life, I hope it is the courage to stand out. To be your own person. To try new things, not for others, but for yourself.

I wasted four years of my life trying to fit in, trying to find myself in a crowd full of sheep. It wasn’t until this past year that I truly believe that I found myself. With the help of you, I fought myself to the core. There was more to me than what I was allowing to show, because I was ashamed. I was ashamed to be different, I was afraid of peoples judgement, I was terrified because I knew that I would stand out.

I know that I need to set the best possible example that I can, but how can I do that if I’m not quite sure who I even am?

With the year coming to a close, I look back. This year was full of death. Death of extraordinary people who didn’t deserve to go. I often wonder about death, probably a little too much. This is what drove me to satisfy myself. Satisfy myself as a person, as a friend, as a partner, and most importantly as a father. If my life ends tomorrow, would I have been happy about the person that I was? Fuck no.

I was 100% committed to altering my life. To peel back the layers of my front and embrace my true existence. I discovered that life isn’t easy. Life is really, really hard. & if you fight it, it will be even harder. I’ve always been the one to have a plan, the one on a camping trip staring at the map, the one living in the future rather than cherishing the moment. You’ll waste your life that way. If you don’t stop to find the beauty in the now, kill yourself, because you’re already dead.

Life will pass you by in an instant, if you don’t learn how to go with the flow, take a few punches, learn from your mistakes, you’ll regret it in your last days.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that’s all.”

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

If there is only one thing that you take from me in your life, I hope it is the courage to stand out. To be your own person. To try new things, not for others, but for yourself. Push yourself to be different. Try every type of food that hits your plate, listen to every genre of music, welcome suggestions from friends, family, and especially strangers. There is someone on every corner that knows something that you do not – listen, respect, and venture.

Seize the day, because you’re only mortal.

Frankie Napolitano

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An unusual host to the easiest form of love.

You always hear how hard parenting is. How frustrating and life altering it is. Sure, of course it’s frustrating, of course it’s life changing – but for the better. I’m creating this blog as a single father of one of the most beautiful children on earth, Fallyn Maddox Napolitano. I’m creating this blog to encourage myself that there are words to describe this type of love. This type of life.

I was 19 years old when this journey began. I was popular, handsome, ruthless, and incredibly mistaken. I lived in an empty house with my girlfriend and my best friend at the time. The time I’m referring to is the first time I felt true love. Of course at the time I believed this love was relentless, as we all do. She was pure, she was hopeful, she was inspiring, she was infatuating.

It was December 31st, 2011, the date I found myself madly in love with a woman whom I thought I knew. The day that we got the most earth shattering news. The day that we had to make the hardest decision of our young adult lives.

As a teenage boy who had a very limited relationship with his father, I knew it was important for me to give this every thing that I had. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I wasn’t aware of the endless amount of emotions that were on their way to attacking my thoughts. I wasn’t aware of the conflict that had yet come between me and the future mother of my child. But it came. It came fast and it came hard.

To make the hardest post that I will ever have to write a little bit easier, I’ll sum it up with – it didn’t work out. & it often doesn’t. We live in a world where temptation is a text message away and the next social media site is right around the corner. I live in a town, Las Vegas, where there are model men and women every where.

With the odds stacked against us, we broke under pressure.

“But the darkest hour is just before the dawn.”

I had a life of pure happiness and true love right around the corner, and it was with a baby boy named Fallyn.

I encourage you to follow along on my blogging experience. I will be posting frequently about treasured memories, experiences, and the overall struggle of being a single parent. Reach out to me as a parent, share your stories, concerns, and similarities. Follow me on Instagram and join the “fallyn fan club” @f_napolitano. I look forward to chatting with you!

Frankie Napolitano