An extremely close friend called me today to tell me some awesome news. He told me he’s getting married! He’ll be in Vegas in May to be ordained by Elvis.
It was a very needed conversation with one of my closest pals.
I LOVE the idea of love. I love the idea of marriage. But I hate pancakes. You’re confused, let me explain.
Every time I tell someone that I don’t like pancakes, I get the most ridiculous looks. Like, I just killed a man.
Pancakes aren’t for everyone. One of the worlds favorite foods, but there are still people who don’t like them. There’s a quote that I often see, I’m sure you’ve seen it, “you could be the ripest peach in the world, but there will still be someone that hates peaches.”
If you haven’t caught my drift yet, I’m referring to marriage.
I have a child now. I wouldn’t change a thing about my past, but I’m not sure I will ever be comfortable with having another child. I have dated since the end of my relationship with Fallyns’ mother, the awkwardness of a stranger being around while you are baby talking your child has yet to go away.
I have dated some of the least judgemental women I have ever met, but there’s an internal wall up that is not coming down anytime soon.
I’m not sure if I’m against marriage as much as I am having another child. Its not that I don’t like children, it’s not that I’m afraid of separation again, I would love a daughter. I just couldn’t even imagine having multiple children…with multiple women.
The connection we have shared, the experiences we’ve had together, that’s special. That’s something that an outsider will never be able to understand. I’m not sure if I could share that with someone else, and more importantly, I’m not sure I could do that to Fallyn.
Look, I’m certain Fallyn will have a brother or sister on his mothers end, and I’m fine with that. Now, imagine if I had another family.
Where does that leave Fallyn? That leaves the product of a broken family bouncing back and forth between two complete families.
Every time I think about this, it literally brings tears to my eyes. I know he would be filled with jealousy, sadness, and confusion.
While writing this post, I have realized it’s not marriage that I’m against. I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing, and see something totally different.
I want to be able to be here for him, I want him to know that he is the one and only. It might seem silly to some of you, but that’s my dude. I’m his rock.